Secret Luggage

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Lost Luggage

September 30, 2008

Ms. Debbie Liu

Hawaiian Airlines Claims Department

P.O. Box 30008

Honolulu, HI 96820

Re: Lost Luggage Claim #LIHHA55805

Dear Ms. Liu (& Whoever Else May Be Concerned),

I have carefully reviewed the “Exclusion from Liability” form that you have thoughtfully provided for me regarding my lost luggage. While I appreciate the extent to which the airline has gone to exclude every possible item that might be contained in a piece of luggage from being covered in the event of its loss, I must rectify some misunderstandings concerning the actual contents of my lost knapsack:

1. The power adapter in question is not actually electronics, but an electrical device. For clarification, let us examine Wikipedia’s definition of the terms:

• Electronics refers to the flow of charge (electron) through non-metal conductors (often called semi-conductors), where as electrical refers to the flow of charge through metal conductors. For example, flow of charge through silicon which is not a metal would come under electronics whereas flow of charge through copper which is a metal would come under electrical…

1. Thus, the power adapter, being solely a copper-based conduit is technically an electrical device, not an “Electronic Item” and therefore does not fall under the Electronics Exclusion clause. Nor would it fall under the clause excluding Computer Parts because it is not actually a part of the computer, inasmuch as it is readily detachable from the computer, the computer can function (for a while) without it, and it was, in fact, purchased separately. Thus while the computer may function better when it is attached, the computer also functions better when I am attached, and I am certainly not part of the computer either, thank-you very much, although it looks like I may in fact be an electronic device (who knew?)
2. The Rody Pony is neither plastic nor a children’s toy. It is, in fact, made of rubber (which comes from a tree). And it is a sexual aid. In case this is unclear, my boyfriend and I would be delighted to illuminate several methods of use.
   1. My boyfriend sits on the Rody Pony facing the tail end. I sit on top of him, grab the pony by its ears, and we proceed to bounce wherever we want to go. This is indeed quite gratifying and I recommend trying it if you are of a heterosexual persuasion.
   2. Rody Pony also has several protrusions, or perhaps better referred to as “nubbins” which can be used to fulfill various orifices in the event that said boyfriend has reached our destination before I have (with or without baggage).
   3. Finally, Rody Pony can be placed upon the arm of a sofa or love seat and we can strap our other girlfriend to both of them, providing ample cushioning and support to absorb any shock applied to either of her ends in the event of a turbulent journey or rough landing.
3. The antique glass marbles are neither glassware, crystal, mirrors, bottles, nor any type of ocular device. Since those are all the items listed as exclusions under the “glass” category, the marbles should be covered.
4. The business papers in question are actually none-of-your-business papers, and therefore should be covered. I didn’t even request coverage for my Inventor’s Notebook, which is probably the reason the knapsack was stolen: To intercept my secret plans for world domination via the fast-food equivalent of sex. Oops! I shouldn’t have told you that. Well if someone opens a fast-sex chain, you’ll know where to look for my missing knapsack.

Finally, in connection with my claim form, I forgot to mention one thing that was also lost and I don’t see on your exclusion list: my time. I normally bill at $65/hour and have lost about 2 ½ hours processing excessive paperwork in association with this debacle. Therefore, please add $162.50 to the total bill for my valuable time lost with my luggage. I notice that while your list of exclusions seems to cover every conceivable material object, it happily has overlooked immaterial ones, so this one should pass the rather rigorous screening criteria for coverage.

In the event that a clause does somehow exist that can be used to exclude my time, perhaps I will be able to recoup it by publishing this letter in a slightly raucous mainstream periodical or 3. Naturally, the version that I send to the Insurance Regulatory Commission will be toned down a bit.

Mahalo!

Have a nice day!

Deborah K. Cole

DreamMaker’s Publishing

(808) 823-6261

PS: For photo demonstration of how to use the Rodie Pony please go to www.wildinflatablehorsesex.com -- act now and get 50% off our instructional DVD and learn how to be a monster in the bed room!!!

About the Author

Dancer, Dreamer, Inventor, Writer, Mathemagician

how much is too much for luggage?

OK, so I bought the new BEAUTY RUSH body care line from Victoria's Secret. I'm going to California in a week and want to bring them. My Dad says they're all too much, but my friend (who's traveled to places like Hawaii and Aruba many times) say it's fine. Here's the list

Go to a VS store in Cali when you get there, buy it there and use it while you are there and on your last day just mail it back to your home address. it wont cost too much to mail it and you will maybe even get bold and try a different scent than you already have. i love the SLICE OF HEAVEN and the STRAWBERRY ZING. Mmmmm.

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